(Here are a number of basic tips from the 124-year-old national children’s crisis charity KidsPeace and its KidsPeace Institute):
Children learn by watching their parents and other caregivers at a very early age. They pick up sayings, manners and behaviors (whether they are positive or negative) and mimic them. Be especially aware of how spouses treat each other when they are happy, sad and angry. These behaviors will show up in the children.
Just as fire drills teach us how to respond in an emergency, children need an opportunity to learn and practice the proper responses in certain social situations. Use daily routines (mealtime, family interactions, etc.) to teach basic skills. If a special occasion is coming up such as a birthday party, holiday dinner or other special event, spend time in advance talking about what behaviors are expected and practice them. Young children love to role-play. Have your child act out proper responses and behaviors. Provide positive feedback when they get it right! Use a car ride on the way to an event to review what has been learned.
When a child uses the skills learned appropriately, reward them. Behavior that is reinforced will increase in frequency.
Pre-schoolers - Respond by smiling and clapping like you would at a performance.
School Age Children – Verbally praise them for a job well done in front of other children (such as a class, siblings, etc.)
Teens - Take a private moment to thank them for behaving in such a mature, helpful manner. Make a point of it, but not a big deal of it.
When children are behaving badly, they need to be made aware of it. Remember, children aren’t born with good manners – they have to learn them. You won’t be doing them any favors by ignoring or condoning poor behavior. Later in life it will be harder for them to make changes.
In the Act - If you catch a child just before or in the act of behaving badly, calmly take a moment to remind the child of what is expected. Give the child a chance to self-correct.
After the Fact – If reminders don’t work or if you come in after the fact, narrate what was wrong about the behavior. (Ex.: “It’s not polite to grab toys out of someone’s hands. Remember what we talked about? Your friend might feel sad or angry. We want our friends to feel happy when we’re together.”) Ask the child how he/she can make amends for the behavior and encourage them to do so.
Accountability – If a child refuses to make amends or if the behavior becomes a pattern, it may be necessary to provide consequences following bad behavior. This should be done privately, away from other children and adults (in another room or at home). Be consistent with accountability. Remember also that the word “discipline” comes from a root implying teaching and learning.
Children and teens deserve respect just as adults do. From very early in life make sure that home is a place where everyone feels accepted, safe and cared for. Family members should speak to each other with care and empathy for each other’s feelings. Once the basics (“please”, “thank you” and “I’m sorry”) are just a regular part of the landscape, the rest will come more easily.